


What You Wanted

by Lalikaa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26151199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalikaa/pseuds/Lalikaa
Summary: Five years.Tadashi had been in love with his best friend for five years. It was a secret he was so used to holding close that he forgot what it felt like to live without that unfathomable pressure, like a balloon on the constant brink of bursting, in his chest.It was near the end of their senior year, a little past 10 PM, when Tsukki had sent Tadashi the text he’d been waiting on for so long.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	What You Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> "I'll find the places where you hide  
> I'll be the dawn on your worst night  
> The only thing left in your life  
> Yeah I would kill for you, that's right  
> If that's what you wanted  
> If that's what you wanted"  
> -OneRepublic

Five years.

Tadashi had been in love with his best friend for five years. It was a secret he was so used to holding close that he forgot what it felt like to live without that unfathomable pressure, like a balloon on the constant brink of bursting, in his chest.

It was near the end of their senior year, a little past 10 PM, when Tsukki had sent Tadashi the text he’d been waiting on for so long.

Tsukki: _Can you come meet me at the park in about half an hour? I need to tell you something._

Tadashi’s heart began hammering so hard he thought he might pass out. But he couldn’t. Not now, not on the most critical night of his romantic life. And the fact that Tsukki had chosen the word “need” instead of “want”... Tadashi couldn’t help the smile that had overcome his face, paralyzing his muscles in a joy that was intoxicating.

Tadashi hurried to change his shirt, brush his teeth, then for good measure put a pack of gum in his pants pocket. Tadashi had never kissed anyone before. No one had ever wanted to. Not with him.

 _I_ ** _need_ ** _to tell you something._

Tadashi let the balloon in his chest float him out the door, every fiber of his being tingling in exhilarating anticipation.

As Tadashi reached the park, suddenly, from the corners of his mind, doubt began slowly creeping its way to sentient thought, forcing him to acknowledge it.

 _You’re being self-centered,_ the dark part of his brain told him. _Tsukki doesn’t love you; who would? You’re too much of a coward to even confess first, too obviously desperate. Tsukki would never waste his time on you._

But no, it had to be a confession. What else could it be?

Tadashi arrived at their spot at the park before Tsukki did. They had determined their spot years ago. It was simply a bench by a few trees, a bit further from the main path, but not too far. There was a patch of irises nearby that bloomed into a beautiful, brilliant shade of violet every season. There were enough trees to feel secluded, but not so many as to feel engulfed. Despite the numerous branches, they hardly obscured the sky; it was a wonderful spot for star-gazing.

Tadashi sat down on the bench, but that worked for all of twenty seconds. His entire being was buzzing with years of pent-up energy. Years of pining and sexual frustration and an underlying ache to be loved and wanted by someone who he cared about more than anything else in the world.

A world where Tsukki would hold his hand and say “I love you” and they would cuddle and kiss and it would be absolutely _splendid_.

Tadashi ended up pacing between the bench and the patch of irises, furiously chewing gum for several minutes before Tsukki arrived.

“Hey, Tsukki!”

“Hey, Tadashi. Thanks for meeting me so late.”

 _Oh_. Tadashi.

His heart beat faster.

“Of course, Tsukki,” Tadashi said, hoping he sounded smooth. “What did you need to tell me?”

Tsukki hesitated.

Well, to be fair, confessions of love were never easy.

Hence why he had never confessed himself.

 _Coward_ , the logical side of Tadashi’s brain told him, never afraid to call him out.

“I’m- It seems that, I’m-”

 _…in love with you, in love with you, in love with you_ , the romantic side of Tadashi’s brain insisted.

“I’m asexual,” Tsukki said, barely above a whisper, his hands folding in on themselves; a nervous habit that Tadashi knew meant he was trying to compose himself.

“Oh, wait, what-? What do you mean?” Tadashi stammered, the balloon in his chest now close to bursting.

“That I’m not interested in sex or romance or any of that. Though I suppose that means I’m aromantic asexual, then,” Tsukki said, his fingers tapping together.

“Are you- I mean, are you sure? How do you know?” Tadashi blurted out.

_Wait, what am I saying? Why did I say it like that, why-_

“I thought you would be more supportive,” Tsukki said, looking directly at Tadashi, trying to meet his gaze, though Tadashi looked down at his sneakers instead, ashamed.

“I can’t help how I feel,” Tadashi said bitterly, eyes stinging as he furiously blinked away tears.

“And I can’t help how I _am_ ,” Tsukki said icily.

“Oh, god, oh… Tsukki, that’s not what I-“

“Then what _did_ you mean?”

“That… I have feelings, y’know? About- about you.” Tadashi blinked harder, willing his tears to lose their desire to fall.

“I- I didn’t realize.”

The worst part was that Tadashi couldn’t tell if he was being honest or not. Because surely, surely…

“Really, Tsukki? You never realized? _Really_?”

Tsukki faltered. “I considered _maybe_ , but-“

Tadashi couldn’t stop the rush of tears. There were too many. This was too much.

“Maybe? _Maybe_ ? You _did_ know! You had to have, you knew all along and didn’t-”

“It’s your fault for liking someone like me!” Tsukki shouted, and oh, he looked so angry.

Tsukki’s shoulders rapidly rose and fell from his frantic breath, cheeks red, and- and were those _tears_?

He continued on.

“It’s your fault for being so stupid, so lame, to like someone as pathetic as me!”

“But then why didn’t you just _tell_ me?!” Tadashi’s voice came out much louder, much sharper than he’d intended.

“Because- because I can’t even _like_ someone, like a normal person!” Tsukki said, and yes, there were tears there. “I didn’t tell you because I _tried,_ Tadashi, I tried so fucking hard to be normal and have a crush and all that stupid shit, and I just _can’t_.”

Tsukki’s breath became very shallow, his entire body shaking. He used an unstable arm to wipe his eyes with his sleeve.

Tadashi was in shock. He felt bolted down in the moment, unable to move, unable to speak. The balloon in his chest may as well have been filled with lead, constricting his breath, making his stomach clench in sadness and frustration and _disappointment._

Oh, he was so disappointed.

Tsukki continued; “So I’m sorry, Tadashi. I tried to like you that way, I fucking tried, because you’re important to me. But I can’t. I can’t give you what you want.”

A sudden rush that felt cold and hot at the same time cascaded down Tadashi’s spine.

“But _Kei_ … all I want is to be with you.”

The air hung heavy between them. Tadashi could feel that heaviness permeate through his body, pressing on his chest. Air, balloons; everything that was supposed to be light felt anything but to Tadashi.

He couldn’t understand why.

He could feel his breath shorten, his head becoming lighter. Tears pricked at his eyes at his upcoming panic attack because _why did he say that, what was he thinking, what-_

He fought for control, but it was unattainable, leaving him gasping for a solid breath, hands trembling and legs shaking. He didn’t want to collapse like this, to fall apart.

Tsukki’s voice pulled Tadashi from his spiral, words tugging him forcefully through what felt like a wave just before it crashed. Kei had always been good at that; breaking through Tadashi’s self-deprecation, though sometimes it felt more like he was stomping on ice intent on making it crack, bone-cold logic damaging Tadashi’s insecurities until they were frozen solid, unable to affect him any longer.

“I could… I could do that.”

Tadashi looked at Tsukki, though his vision was horribly blurred.

Tadashi managed to choke out; “What do you mean?”

Tsukki sucked in a long breath of air. His hands were folded in front of him again.

“I mean, I could be there. For you. With you.”

“But- but you already said, you’re- you’re, um, y’know, asexual, so you don’t-”

“Being asexual doesn’t mean I don’t have any feelings at all,” Tsukki snapped.

“But I thought-”

“It’s just that I’m not interested in- in sex,” Tsukki interrupted, his cheeks growing red in either anger or embarrassment; Tadashi couldn’t tell at this point.

“And I’m- I’m just not- I just can’t be physical like you want. With a lot of hugs and kissing and all that.”

Tsukki paused,took a deep breath, then continued in a low voice; “I can still be there for you though. I like things the way they are now, Tadashi. I’m sorry you don’t feel the same, and that I can’t help with that. I’m sorry. But I do... I do care about you. A lot.”

How the hell was Tadashi supposed to respond to that? A surge of warm energy shot through Tadashi, melting the ice that had encased his spine and limbs. He was still shaking, but it was less now. The pressure on his chest was still there, but he could breathe now, just a bit.

“R-really?” Tadashi said, voice warbling far more than he’d like.

“Yes,” Tsukki said, a bit stiff. He had unfolded his hands and shoved them in his pockets.

The crisp spring night felt like a cool drink of water, refreshing Tadashi as he took in a few more deep breaths. He scrubbed at both of his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. One of the park’s streetlamps washed over Tsukki in a warm, yellow light that highlighted his features, which had now softened considerably. His hands were still in his pockets, but his expression had become more laid back; eyebrows no longer knit together in frustration, mouth no longer down-turned in a scowl.

Looking at Tsukki like this, Tadashi’s affection for him rushed through, as warm and encompassing as the streetlamp that glowed onto his best friend.

“That means a lot to me, Kei,” Tadashi said, barely over a whisper.

Tsukki simply nodded, seemingly spent on talking about his feelings for the night.

Tadashi took a few hesitant steps forward before embracing him.

The hug felt jittery; Tadashi wasn’t sure if he was the one shaking or Tsukki. It was probably both of them.

“I’m- I’m sorry, I know you don’t like hugs,” Tadashi sniffled into Tsukki’s shoulder.

“I mean, well, this isn’t awful,” Tsukki said stiffy.

Tadashi didn’t let go.

“Wanna- do you wanna come over to my house?” Tsukki asked, voice just above a murmur, ghosting over Tadashi’s ear.

Tadashi nearly choked, but was able to whisper back a “yeah”. His breath was still minty; he didn’t know if Tsukki could tell.

They walked back to Tsukki’s house side by side in silence.

No one in Tsukki’s home was awake by the time they got back. They crept up to Tsukki’s room, where Tadashi had spent the night so many times before. Tsukki tossed Tadashi an extra pair of pajamas, and they both changed and brushed their teeth (Tadashi always kept a toothbrush at Tsukki’s house). Tadashi’s mouth burned of mint. Maybe he shouldn’t have chewed over half a pack of gum earlier.

When they returned to his room, Tadashi looked for the spare futon, but couldn’t find it.

“My brother borrowed it and forgot to bring it back, so,” Kei said, reading his thoughts. “So- so you can just-” He gestured to his bed.

In a different world, this would’ve excited Tadashi, but now it just felt intrusive. The balloon was back to tormenting his chest with its questionable heaviness.

“Tsukki, I can just go back to my house-”

“No, Tadashi, listen. I already said, I don’t want anything to change between us. We shared a bed a couple times as kids, and I really- I really just want things to stay the same. Like they were back then.”

“Tsukki, I had a crush on you back then too,” Tadashi said dryly.

Tsukki’s face immediately flushed. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They stood awkwardly for a minute, while Tadashi silently cursed himself for ruining the mood.

“Well,” Tsukki finally said. “There- there is another futon downstairs I could get…”

“No, it’s ok,” Tadashi said decidedly. He plopped down on the bed. Tsukki sat down next to him and offered him a shy smile.

Love is a lot of things; complicated, infuriating, heart-wrenching, sweet, hurtful, warm, frustrating… _safe_. Love requires passion and devotion, strength and kindness, patience and understanding.

There are many types of love, Tadashi knows this. Each love; familial, sexual, romantic… every type of love is different and special in its own way.

What Tadashi hadn’t known, but was now forever grateful to have learned, is that in the end love is just how you define it.

For Tadashi and Kei, love is purely _them_.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by the fantastic @andramion!
> 
> This is an extremely personal piece for me. When I realized I was asexual, I really struggled with accepting myself, and writing this story made me feel so much better. I hope it can make others feel better, too. <3


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